Caregiver's Kitchen: The Talk

It’s the one talk no one wants to have, but must. It’s the "Give Up Driving" talk. The Crankshaft cartoon currently addresses the shouldn't-be-driving problem as matter-of-factly as the Funky Winkerbean cartoon addressed cancer through the character of Lisa and her husband Les. Tom Batiuk, an innovator in using syndicated cartoons as a means to broach serious subjects, shows a great-grandmotherly-type who, due to her height declining with age, can barely see between the dashboard and the steering wheel while trying to drive. Her hesitance and uncertainty result in an accident when her car gets hit by another car. Her diminished reasoning ability leads to her driving away from the scene of the accident, which is where the story is as of this writing.

Could this be one of your parents? Unexpectedly, the morning after I started writing this column, I was hit in the face with the front page Plain Dealer coverage of an 80-year-old woman accused of hitting a young boy with her car and driving away. He died the next day on his 13th birthday.

My day job is at another newspaper, a daily, in north central Ohio. I’m very proud of my job in the newsroom. Most of the contributions come to me first, and I input them into the system or get them to the right department, and do my best to polish them along the way. Two police scanners are on at all times, and we are located right beside the city fire station, so we know when an emergency is happening. One morning, a policeman with sadness and disgust in his voice reported, “There’s an elderly gentleman out here who has no business driving – send the dog warden out, there’s an animal that needs to be put down.” Someone’s family pet had been mortally wounded by someone who had no business driving.

My father would not surrender the car keys. My brother went to great lengths many different times to keep Dad from driving, including disconnecting the battery, hiding the keys, removing spark plugs, putting the car up on cement blocks for some “necessary” repair and then stalling my parents. Dad, believing the car to be in need of repair, would not wait for my brother to fix it but would pay to have the car towed to the mechanic, who would charge outlandish amounts and bill Dad for unnecessary parts, but would put the car back in motion. Problem solved—for Dad, anyway.

We tried everything. Begging, pleading, offering to drive Mom and Dad anywhere they wanted to go. But they loved their freedom, their leisurely drives, their reminiscing as they traveled through neighborhoods they remembered from long ago, remarking on the changes over the years. They rebelliously rallied against all our efforts to control that last vestige of their independence in an effort to protect them.

Dad had several sets of car keys hidden; we found that out the hard way. Even if we had taken away the car itself, Dad would have called a cab, gone to a used car lot and bought another old car. He would have found some hungry car salesman willing to sell him one. So, our efforts were not enough.

The story doesn’t end well. And it’s still too painful to put it all down on paper. But I write for the sake of others who are going through this with their loved ones, because I have found out that the laws have changed somewhat. Enough to help save some lives.

According to the Bureau of Motor Vehicles, whom I paid a personal visit to get the facts straight, an adult child may now write to the BMV and request that a parent’s driving privileges be reviewed if the child believes there is sufficient reason to question their mental ability to control a vehicle. A doctor may have a patient’s driver’s license nullified for medical reasons. A patrolman may order a driver to undergo a road test if observable behavior behind the wheel warrants it. Documentation is important, however. Instances of unsafe driving must be written down; the BMV cannot act merely on heresay. A signed letter is necessary. No anonymous complaints will be investigated. While the BMV cannot deny a license to an elderly person who passes a vision test, under certain conditions they can act upon information which would put the safety of a driver or other drivers on the road at risk. Call the Ohio BMV at 614-752-7600 for more information.

On the other hand, there are many safe drivers in their 70s, 80s and 90s who are as alert as they ever were. Their reflexes may not have slowed with age if they are physically fit. Their memory may be as sharp as someone half their age. So I am not encouraging age discrimination. But seniors afflicted with dementia and other debilitating conditions are growing in number, and their self-awareness is woefully lacking.

The Alzheimer’s epidemic is proof that we can’t ignore the problem and have it go away. Sadly, it is a condition not diagnosed until a person is too far along to be able to see it for himself. My father used to say, “I’m not that bad off yet. When I need help, I’ll let you know.” And my mother would back him up. “Honor thy father and thy mother,” she would quote. How could I argue with God’s commandment?

But as difficult as the talk is, have it now. Steel yourself, and speak the truth in love. As we caregivers trade roles and find ourselves parenting our parents, no matter how much we love them, we have to accept that they might still make bad decisions. Just as we did growing up when they were trying to protect us.

Thank you for your encouraging and inspiring emails and letters. Let me know what you think about today’s topic at alzheimerannie@yahoo.com. Thank you for reading the Parma Observer.